1. Parallel parking
I’ m sure you can whip a car into a space with one finger, but imagine your car is 25 metres long, with no mirrors and floating during a thunderstorm, then step up to the plate.
2. Walking straight when drunk
A life on the heaving deck of a ship gives sailors a sense of balance where is more of a guideline than a rule. If you see a sailor on the wonk, get his next round in to help him find his feet.
3. Straightfacing a double entendre
Teeming with metaphors, puns, double entendres and that’s-what-she-saids, sailing lingo is ripe for the chuckling of the uninitiated. With ‘breastlines’ ‘cockpits’ and ‘poop decks’ gracing the air of boats across the seas, it’ll take more than a rejected Carry On joke to get them laughing.
4. Giving directions
If us land-dwellers could give people gave better directions, the climate would be in better shape. Sailors know this, with wasted boat fuel also cutting into profits, as well as knowing that flaky directions on the high seas could lead to a sunken ship. Or worse, Scunthorpe.
5. Dressing appropriately
Delete your phones weather app, get yourself some sailor bones. Bones that tingle or crack when it’s raining 2000 miles away. Sailors can know the weather before the weather knows the weather.
A combination of poor ropemanship and a rolling boat can turn into an emergency very quickly, so sailors have to know how to lash things down. Less importantly, no one wants to have to knaw through the ropes your dad so ‘expertly’ tied your stuff to the top of the car with, so if you can, bring a sailor camping with you next time.
7. Pulling an all-nighter
IV dripped caffeine and death metal might have been enough to keep you going through your dissertation, but sailors are fuelled by something more; sheer, constant niggling terror of everything around them. The ocean will end more than just your REM cycle without evening batting a watery eyelid, and this possibility requires being awake. ALL THE TIME.
8. Letting things go
Unless you’re feeling particularly brave or stupid, you aren’t going to fight the sea. Sailors know that if something goes in the sea, its the seas now. Like the big drunk guy with the face tattoos who cut in front of you in the line, just let it go.
This one is lie. The captain is always right, especially when he’s right.